What You Need to Know Before You “Give Yourself Grace”

Conflict is a result of unmet expectations. I know this because I’ve heard it quoted in books and podcasts but also because I’ve lived it.

Nine months of reading, shopping, and social media browsing had put a rosy glow around all my imagined ideas of motherhood. One expectation I held was of my own demeanor. My future self would handle spills graciously and practice endless patience with toddler tantrums.

In reality, just this morning I cleaned up my two-year-old son’s potty-training accident and then faced the rage of my four-year-old daughter as she spewed disrespectful words—all before my first cup of coffee. “Gracious” and “patient” wouldn’t have described my response.

Regardless of whether we have children or not, we can all agree that 2020 is giving us endless opportunities to practice our reactions to unmet expectations.

Harsh, angry responses are understandable. The emotions make logical sense. And as we begin revealing our less-than-holy reaction stories with one another, a popular phrase I hear given in response is “give yourself grace.” In other words, “go easy on yourself” or “be kind to yourself.”

Growing Shame

In the evenings, I journal about my day. Part of this practice involves naming the day’s “wins” along with the words and reactions I wish I’d handled differently. Many days ended by counting up my failures as a mom, but as I practiced the advice of giving myself grace, I trusted God’s presence with me and set an intention to be a better mom tomorrow. 

Instead of feeling released and unburdened by my mistakes, my guilt and shame grew and grew. Memories of failures loomed large in my memory while I struggled and yearned to remember the happy moments with my children.

The voices of culture told me I was doing a great job. After all, everyone deals with these troubles, and I should continue trying my best. That’s all we can do, right?

The Giver of Grace 

I’m currently reading through the book of Romans. In my Bible’s concordance, the word “grace” appears more times in the book of Romans than in any other.

Each day as I read a chapter, I write down words to fill in this blank: “God is ____.” On many days after I conclude my chapter of Romans, I find myself writing “God is the giver of grace.” This truth is shown plainly in Romans 3.

“for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus.” 

Romans 3:23-24 ESV (emphasis mine)

Stop Justifying

One evening, I plunked down on my couch after putting the kids to bed, popped in my earbuds, and continued listening to a podcast I had started earlier that afternoon.

Lisa Bevere was sharing her story of motherhood and her accompanying experiences of anger and guilt. After a particularly scary moment when she almost physically hurt her son out of anger, she dropped to the floor weeping and cried out to God. “I said to Him, ‘I have a real problem with anger and, God, I don’t know how to get free.’ I heard the voice of God say, ‘Because you’re no longer justifying this, I’ll take this out of your life.’”

As I listened to Lisa, Romans 3 immediately came to mind. We are “justified by his grace as a gift” (v. 24). Following the “give yourself grace” advice, we often justify our own sin by making excuses or explaining away our behavior. We’re effectively declaring we have no need of God’s grace and God’s justification.

Following the “give yourself grace” advice, we often justify our own sin by making excuses or explaining away our behavior. We’re effectively declaring we have no need of *God’s* grace and *God’s* justification. #graceofgod Share on X

I felt great relief knowing why the shame of my parenting failures followed me like a shadow. It’s because I wasn’t acknowledging the seriousness of my sin, confessing it to God and my kids, and then moving forward in light of his grace.

My grace has no power to bring about freedom. That type of freedom is only found in the grace of the gospel.

Skipping Steps

Emily Jensen wrote in an article for The Gospel Coalition: 

“When I seek to punish or control my kids with harsh words just because they aren’t behaving exactly the way I want, I need to call my response what it is. It’s not a bad day. It’s not a mom fail. It’s not a joke. It’s sin. And, like all sin, I need to confess it, apologize to my kids, hope in Christ, turn from it, walk forward in freedom from guilt, and enjoy a renewed desire for obedience (1 John 1:9).”

“How to Fight Anger in Motherhood”

When we practice giving ourselves grace or encourage others to do so, we’re tempted to skip over the steps of confession, apology, and repentance. We want to jump right to the feel-good stage of walking forward in freedom. God’s great gift of grace grants us undeserved favor, but we have to take the steps in order. Going back to Romans 3:23-34, we’re first told we all sin and fall short. After we accept that truth, we can be justified, or made right in the sight of God, through his grace.

From my own parenting experience, I can attest there is no other path to freedom from the guilt and miserable memory of my mistakes. But once I saw my mistakes as sin and took my grieving heart to God, he showered me with his abundant gift of grace and set me free from shame.

God’s Grace First

The next time you are encouraged or advised to “give yourself grace,” I’d ask you to go in search of God’s grace first. It’s true that for some of us, we seek God’s forgiveness and yet still continue to hold ourselves accountable for the sins and mistakes of our past. In these instances, it is good and right to practice kindness and graciousness with yourself—not because our sins are okay but because Jesus already paid the price on the cross so that you may be set free.