Why It Is Good and Right to Practice Patience With Yourself

I stood at the kitchen sink with autumn afternoon light streaming through the window. My husband, Josh, and I had finished Sunday lunch and finally had a moment for real conversation after a couple weeks of discussing only kids and schedules.

My to-do list had grown to overflowing during the last two weeks. The mental strain meant I was running primarily on auto-pilot, present in body but not much else.

As we talked, Josh remarked on my recent distracted state and reminded me that one of his primary love languages, quality time, hadn’t been spoken in a while. He wasn’t asking much of me, only a moment of eye contact or a shoulder-to-shoulder evening of relaxation.

The wife of eight years ago would have bristled at his comment. I would have silently huffed that on top of everything else, I now also have to prioritize quality time with my husband.

(As I type out that last sentence, I laugh to myself, seeing how right and proper it is to prioritize the top priority in my life after God.)

The wife of the present chose to believe the best about Josh, which is that he wants the best for our marriage, and sometimes that means broaching a prickly topic for the good of our relationship. I agreed with him, and we created space in our coming week for intentional time with one another.

Then, as our conversation came to a close, a silent battle played out in my mind.

My shame: “If I truly cared for my husband, he wouldn’t need to remind me of how to best express my love for him. He has told me many times in the past how much quality time means to him, so what am I communicating to him by always forgetting that fact?”

Another voice interrupted my thoughts.

Truth: “Remember this morning’s sermon? ‘[Older women are to] train the young women to love their husbands.’ (Titus 2:4) The younger women need to be instructed in this way. If they already knew how to best love their husbands, Paul wouldn’t need to give explicit instruction for the older women to teach them.’”

My Shame: “Okay, but I shouldn’t need to be reminded again and again. If I loved him the way I should, then I would want and desire to make him feel loved.”

Truth: “If you only did the things you desired, you wouldn’t be a very good friend, mother, or wife. But because you are being conformed to the image of Christ bit by bit, your heart will change bit by bit also. In the meantime, the reminders are a blessing.”

Thanks to the Holy Spirit, who guides us into all truth (John 16:13) my self-scolding session was interrupted with these liberating thoughts.

As we learn, we grow, we stumble, we stand up straight, we start again, and bit by bit we reach new levels of maturity. Along the way, we need reminders of what is important. Gentle, true reminders refocus our minds on the priorities in our lives.

In a perfect world, I would have received the knowledge about my spouse’s love language early in our relationship and then inscribed it with Sharpie in my memory, never needing to be told again. Instead, as my mind wanders back to its favorite subject of self, the pencil-scratched notes about Josh get misplaced in the jumble.

This is why I need daily reminders of truth about who I am, who God is, and how to love people well.

In Romans 7, Paul discusses the tension between the newness of life in Christ and the ongoing sin we experience and detest.

For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing.

Romans 7:18b-19 ESV

We are made new by the gospel but still wrestle against the temptations of sin. Jesus made us right in the sight of God, but our hearts are still inclined to wander away. One verse in Hebrews puts a fine point on this tension.

For by a single offering he [Jesus Christ] has perfected for all time those who are being sanctified.

Hebrews 10:14 ESV, emphasis mine

Believers have been “perfected” by the gospel (past-tense), but we are also still a work in progress “being sanctified” (present tense).

Standing over my sink, dish towel in hand, God gave me the grace to accept the reminder of my shortcoming as a blessed truth meant to keep me on the path of sanctification.

Standing over my sink, dish towel in hand, God gave me the #grace to accept the reminder of my shortcoming as a blessed truth meant to keep me on the path of #sanctification. Click To Tweet

I know all too well from past experience how easy it is to meet reminders such as this with one of two attitudes. Either pride demands I defend my position and remain blind and unyielding to the evidence of my sin. Or, I fall into a spiral of shame and guilt, beating myself up with the sharp edges of my mistake wondering why I can’t seem to do what I want and know to be right.

In reference to Hebrews 10:14, John Piper says this in one of his sermons:

“What this means is that you can know that you stand perfect in the eyes of your heavenly Father if you are moving away from your present imperfection toward more and more holiness by faith in his future grace.”

This is how and why we can practice patience with ourselves. When we see we are positioned on the path of moving away from imperfection and toward holiness, we can take reminders about sin and truth the way we are intended—as cheers of encouragement to continue running the race and not grow weary.

Dear reader, this is my encouragement to you today. If you find yourself stumbling and falling short, gently remind yourself of truth and let others remind you of truth. Then, as you receive these reminders, examine your heart. Is your response one of anger and frustration for failing? Or is it one of thankfulness for the truth we all need? Practice patience with yourself, friend knowing that on this side of heaven, we all need these kitchen sink moments to mold and shape us into conformity with Christ.