5 Not-So-Obvious Ways to Be a Good Friend

We learn the social skills of making and keeping friendships as children, but the experience changes as we transition to adulthood. There is no rule book to tell us how these things are supposed to go. I’ve checked.

As kids, our common stage in life and similar schooling experiences kept us connected. Shared classes, sports, and clubs were the basis for many friendships, and those ties kept us physically in one another’s lives.

After high school, our lives began to diverge more and more. Some started families, some went to college, and some moved away. Our jobs look wildly different from one another, and life experiences imparted hurt, joy, wounds, and wisdom.

Now when I meet another adult my age, there’s no guarantee we share a wide swath of common ground.

Our differences show us the facets of God’s character in a rainbow-like display of varied personalities and backgrounds, but if we allow, those differences can build up speed bumps or barriers to connection.

When we can’t depend on running into the same people in chemistry lab or seeing them at youth group on Wednesday night, how do we get intentional with maintaining and deepening our friendships?

Friendships are as unique as individuals, and there is no one-size-fits-all formula to “doing friendship” well. Just as we talk about the Five Love Languages in marriage, we have our own needs and desires for friendships. While it isn’t a prescription, here are the five not-so-obvious ways I’m learning to become a better friend. 

1. Think About Her When You’re Apart 

Proverbs 17:17 tells us that “a friend loves at all times” (emphasis mine). To love her at all times means we practice love even when we’re not together. How do you do that? One way is to think about your friend and her day-to-day life just as you think about yourself and your own needs.

If you’re thinking of your friend, you’ll remember things about her. Maybe she told you she was going to a doctor’s appointment today, so when you think of her you send a message to ask how it went. If she’s going through a life transition or difficult season, your thoughtfulness will likely manifest itself into kind actions.

When she tells you she’s leaving for vacation on June 13, write it down in your calendar and text her that morning letting her know you’re praying for safe travels and hoping she has a wonderful time. If she tells you her birthday is in two months, don’t rush past that information. Remember it, record it, and be sure to wish her a happy day.

Last week I was with a group of friends when one shared she will undergo outpatient surgery next month. After a moment, another friend offered to set up a meal train so we can organize food drop-offs when she’s not able to be on her feet. This offer resulted from thinking through a friend’s post-surgery days and creating a solution to help.

Being a good friend looks like living life together, and while we physically can’t always be in one another’s homes (especially now), we can bring about that sense of unity by remembering her, praying for her concerns, celebrating her wins, and checking in with her normal comings and goings.

2. Take the Initiative

But what if your friend doesn’t do these things for you? What if you went on vacation, enrolled in a class, or adopted a new pet and didn’t hear a peep from your friend? Before we decide to feel hurt and lick our wounds, we must remember friendship is a two-way street. Someone has to step into the realm of vulnerability to connect the friendship on a deeper level.

We can take the initiative in a small way by sending a text on an ordinary Tuesday afternoon to see what she’s doing and how she’s feeling. We take bigger steps of boldness when we invite her to come over or go out for dinner.

It can feel like a risk if we’re not used to being the one to take initiative, but think about the times in your life when someone has taken the first step to get to know you. Maybe a mom at drop-off made eye contact with you and asked with sincerity how you’re doing. Or perhaps a co-worker invited you into her friend group for a weekend outing. Use those memories as motivation when gathering the courage to take initiative with someone else.

Yes, it may result in rejection, but even that is a win. You’re learning to flex your friendship skills and the more you exercise them, the easier it becomes. 

Be the one to reach out, to take initiative, even when it feels like a risk. Text, call, drop off something at the front door to let her know you’re thinking of her.

3. Let Your Friend Serve You

This is the flip-side to the above point. When your friend reaches out to you asking how she can pray or help, don’t push her away. You may feel like you’re sparing her extra energy or effort when you’re really denying her an opportunity to serve and connect with you.

When your friend reaches out to you asking how she can pray or help, don’t push her away. You may feel like you’re sparing her extra energy or effort when you’re really denying her an opportunity to serve and connect with you. Click To Tweet

Remember, she may have summoned courage to take the initiative and ask these questions, so don’t shut her down. If you bless your friend by babysitting, paying for her meal, or dropping off a coffee mid-afternoon, but you don’t allow her to do these things for you in return, she may begin to feel like your project. In a friendship, no one wants to feel like they need charity and have nothing to offer in return.

While you may want to decline her offers with fear of becoming a burden, letting your friend serve you deepens your relationship. The Bible tells us “it is more blessed to give than to receive,” (Acts 20:35) but that doesn’t mean we never receive. If we didn’t, then who would ever find an opportunity to give and be blessed?

4. Tend to Your Heart and Mind

What we say and do reflects the content we consume. When we chat with our friends, what will they receive from us? I want my friends to find a deep well to draw from. I want to set my focus on the things above for my own good but for my friends’ good too. Encouragement, Biblically-based advice, or a patient listening ear don’t automatically manifest themselves without investment in Scripture and in the beauty of art, music, nature, or the written word.

As we tend to our spiritual, mental and emotional needs, we create beauty within, and that beauty serves others and ministers to their hearts. When I think of the women who have spoken life-giving words to me, I recognize in hindsight that each of them was doing this.

Prioritizing self-care and enrichment is important, but we can also know we serve our friends well in that pursuit.

5. Express Gratitude

One of my dearest friends is a superstar of gratitude. She doesn’t hesitate to express how thankful she is for our relationship. She helps me see how important those words of gratitude are in a friendship. Simple words can let a person know they are more than an acquaintance and that she holds a treasured position in her friend’s life.

Cultivating thankfulness for our friendships also reminds us of the importance of our community. As in marriage, we can easily slip into a level of deep comfort with our good friends, but when we do, we must remind ourselves to not take them for granted.

I’ve found that birthdays are an easy and natural time to remind our friends what they mean to us. Write it in a card, send it in a text, or give her a hug at her party to communicate how you feel.

Most Importantly

All of these words need to be set in front of a backdrop of love. We can follow all the tips and advice we can find, but if our motivations aren’t rooted in love, the Bible says we are a “clanging gong” (1 Corinthians 13).

Also, here’s a note to the one who is longing for deep friendship but doesn’t have it right now. I want to encourage you that you are not forgotten. In your waiting, look to Jesus and know that he is the only one who can meet your needs and give you an unshakable identity. No other friend can do that. I experienced a time of longing for deep friendship too. In my need, Jesus showed me his sufficiency. From a place of satisfaction in God’s love and friendship, I became equipped to look outward and see the needs of those around me who also need to be known, seen, and loved.

Thank you for reading today! And I’m interested to know, what have you learned about becoming a good friend to others? Share in the comments below!