Dealing With Discouragement: How to Handle Criticism

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One morning I sat on the couch watching my son play with cars when I glanced down and saw my phone lit up with a notification. An email.

Two weeks earlier I hit “send” on an essay submission. In the fourteen days that followed, my thoughts ping-ponged back and forth between “that piece was an abysmal failure” to “maybe it’s so good they won’t have any edits for me!”

There it was—the email in response to my submission. I opened the document marked with the editors’ comments and critiques. As I scrolled, tears slid down my cheeks.

The editing process isn’t for the faint of heart. The writer serves up their most vulnerable thoughts and stories on a platter to a stranger somewhere on the other side of a computer screen.

Each time I receive edits, I steel myself. “This is part of the process,” I remember, “and I know edits are necessary to make the writing better.” The editor’s job is to coax the best story or article out of the writer. But this time felt different.

Skimming through the edits, self-talk failed me. The critiques didn’t feel constructive. I interpreted the comments as destructive and intent on making me give up the pursuit of my essay’s publication.

Responding to Discouragement

We often have a go-to response when we encounter discouragement. Some responses include:

• accepting the criticism as a judgment of our value and worth.
• ignoring the discouragement by pushing it out of our thoughts.
• blaming someone else.
• discrediting the source of criticism.

The problem with any one of these responses on its own is that it doesn’t invite the Holy Spirit, discernment, and truth into the process.

Deflection, numbing, or blind acceptance of criticism may feel like a quick ejection button from the work of dealing with discouragement. But eventually, we’ll be confronted with the consequences of our short-term fixes.

Discouragement is never something we desire, but when we lean into biblical truths and prayerfully consider how to respond, God is ready and willing to help us move through discouragement and into freedom.

Starting with awareness

The first step in dealing with discouragement and handling criticism is to reflect and become aware of how we respond to this particular type of discomfort.

In a podcast episode with Jessica Honegger, Shauna Niequist says this about self-reflection:

In our physical bodies, pain is a signal that our body needs something. It protects us. If you put your hand on a hot stove, the pain will tell you, “hey, move your hand,” so you don’t burn yourself any worse than you already have. I think that without self-awareness, we’re hurting ourselves all the time without even realizing it.

Shauna Niequist, The Going Scared Podcast with Jessica Honegger, Learn How to Journal (emphasis mine)

Discouragement is one type of mental pain. Self-awareness is necessary to identify how we respond when we are hurt. When we become aware of the pain, we can remove ourselves from the source, but then what?

Are we moving on with our lives with open wounds? Or are we addressing the hurt and tending to our healing?

I’m not great about this. My go-to response to discouragement is to numb myself (often with media and entertainment). The goal is to keep my mind off the discomfort in hopes that it will slink away while I’m preoccupied.

Experience tells me this approach doesn’t work, but it hasn’t stopped me from trying again and again.

Resisting unhelpful responses

As I cried through the hurt of feeling criticized, I resisted the urge to respond as I normally do (numbing with distractions).

Willpower wasn’t what changed my response, but two factors helped me choose a better response in this situation.

1. People were watching

As the tears came, I turned my head in an attempt to hide them from the kids. My ever-perceptive six-year-old noticed. “What’s wrong?” she asked with concern in her eyes.

At the same time, my husband who works from home came into the room and sat down to hear what was happening.

I tried to downplay my emotions. “I’m overreacting, but…” I sighed. “I don’t know what to make of these comments.”

When my daughter understood what upset me, she said, “Just try not to think about it. That’s what I do.” I knew she had learned this strategy from me. I was motivated to figure out a better way so I could then teach her how to deal with discouragement in her life.

I want to demonstrate to my kids and to the world that I trust in Jesus always, not only in the good times.

Rather than dealing with discouragement on our own, God asks us to bring all our cares and concerns to him. He says, “come to me… you will find rest for your souls” (Matthew 11:28-29).

We can use times of discouragement to show the people around us that Jesus is trustworthy enough to bear our burdens.

2. People offered encouragement and hope

Our trusted loved ones can offer objectivity when we’re feeling wrecked by the pain of criticism.

Before the discouragement had time to take root and before I had a chance to fall back on my go-to response, there were people around me offering words of truth and hope.

1. My husband spoke words of encouragement and helped me see the silver lining (“You got feedback! They spent time and resources editing the piece. They didn’t reject it!”).
2. My daughter offered her sympathy and comfort.
3. I texted a friend who responded immediately and later called to check on me and give her support.

If you’re alone when discouragement strikes, ask yourself how you would encourage a friend if she was facing the same situation. Let those same words encourage you. Then reach out to someone and let the people in your life know what’s happening.

It can feel scary to be vulnerable, but God often works through the actions and words of his people. In this way, he “comforts us in all our affliction” (2 Corinthians 1:4).

A better way of dealing with discouragement

Buoyed by family and friends, I knew I wanted to respond to discouragement differently this time.

I wanted to see what would happen if I walked through the valley with Jesus rather than trying to avoid the valley altogether.

But how?

As I reflect on that morning, I see that God walked me through several distinct steps, and at the end of the process, there was refreshment and hope instead of stuffed away emotions.

My desire is that one (or several) of these steps may help you the next time you feel crushed by discouragement.

Here are the seven steps God led me through to deal with the discouragement of criticism:

1. Surrender the weight of discouragement to Jesus
2. Practice grounding activities to calm down
3. Identify the underlying cause of sorrow
4. Listen to God
5. Worship
6. Notice what the emotion communicates
7. Make a plan for moving forward

"I wanted to see what would happen if I walked through the valley with Jesus rather than trying to avoid the valley altogether." Dealing With Discouragement: How to Handle Criticism Click To Tweet

1. Surrender the weight of discouragement to Jesus

When Jesus left this world and ascended to the right hand of the throne of God, he did not leave us alone.

He sent a helper, “the Spirit of truth, who proceeds from the Father” (John 15:26).

Even though I know in a head knowledge kind of way that I’m not alone, I often act as though I have to shoulder the hard things of life by myself.

In the past, I’ve treated verses that speak about the presence of the Holy Spirit as nice platitudes instead of accepting them as powerful help in times of need.

It’s not my default reaction to ask for help. I’m more of a “pick yourself up and dust yourself off” kind of gal.

This time, I humbled myself to admit that I can’t ward off discouragement on my own. I confessed my need for Jesus.

Needing a quiet space to think and pray, I turned on the television for my kids so that they were occupied.

I prayed, “I surrender the pain of this criticism to you Jesus. I’m giving it to you, and I know you’re more than strong enough to take it. I don’t know how to deal with it, and I need your help.”

When we offload the emotional burden we’re bearing, we can begin to gain objectivity about the situation.

Rather than convince yourself that the discouragement you’re coping with isn’t “a big deal,” let it out. Talk to God about how you’re feeling. He longs for you to bring your full self to him.

2. Practice grounding activities to calm down

After praying, I knew I needed to calm down to sort out my thoughts.

I remembered a grounding exercise described by therapist and author Aundi Kolber in this podcast episode.

Known as the 5-4-3-2-1 method, you start by noticing and naming five things you can see, then four things you can hear, three things you can touch, two things you can smell, and finally one thing you can taste.

What does this have to do with anything? That’s what I had wondered too, but the next time you’re feeling upset and your thoughts are spiraling out in various directions, try it, and you may discover the same thing I did. This exercise helps your brain stay in the present moment.

This practice helps your mind to not spiral in unhelpful directions (future what-ifs, questions about why this happened) and just be present.

You’re not in some future worst-case scenario. You’re not in that past cringe-worthy moment. You’re here, in this place, in this specific moment of time. God is with you.

I took deep breaths and felt my shoulders slide down from their hunched-up position.

Feeling steadier, I stepped outside.

3. Identify the underlying cause of sorrow

As I paced the deck, I began to consider how sometimes the thing I think I’m upset about isn’t the real thing.

There’s a thing behind the thing.

Life comes with disappointments, and of course it’s okay to be sad. When our emotional responses feel particularly large and overwhelming, we can ask if there is an underlying cause—something more than the discouragement itself.

An event, or in this case, a criticism, can tap into a fear or lie. This tends to happen when the discouragement touches on something associated with our worth or identity. It can reinforce a lie we’re tempted to believe about ourselves.

Taking stock of my emotions, I knew it wasn’t just the criticism making me feel this way. I took it as evidence that some of my fears were true: I was a failure, my writing had no value, and on and on.

When we know the underlying cause of our sorrow, we can replace our fears and worries with God’s truth and love.

We can remember our identity as sons and daughters of God, how God loves each of us with infinite, personal love, and that he never abandons or forsakes us (Deuteronomy 31:8).

In my situation, I was tempted to believe that I failed because I didn’t receive the response I wanted with my writing. But weeks earlier, I attended a workshop with Allen Arnold, the author of The Story of With, and he planted a conviction within me that the process of creating and writing with God is success. Period. Regardless of the outcome.

I began rejecting the lies I was tempted to believe and called to mind the truths of God about me and my work.

4. Listen to God

“Now what, God?” I prayed. I was feeling the discouragement lift, but I still wasn’t free of it.

I asked God to speak to me, to tell me what to think or do. “How do I move forward?”

I recently heard Max Lucado share on a podcast episode that the Holy Spirit speaks “with a verse or a voice.” We hear God through his word most often, but sometimes we hear him through “a voice,” meaning an impression, a person, or an interrupting thought.

We can know whether it is God speaking to us when it confirms what he has already spoken in Scripture. We also know that the Holy Spirit always speaks with a voice of love.

As I prayed and listened, song lyrics came to mind: “The God of angel armies is always by my side. The one who reigns forever, He is a friend of mine.”

I hadn’t heard this song in ages, but I quickly found it and played it letting the music and the truth of its lyrics wash over me. You can find it here: Whom Shall I Fear [God of Angel Armies] by Chris Tomlin.

5. Worship

I joined with the music in singing and praise and was reminded that worship is a powerful antidote to discouragement.

In Becky Harling’s six-week study of the psalms, she writes this:

As I began to practice [a] two-step process, pouring out my heart, and then praising God by faith, I felt a shift in my spirit. Gradually, faith replaced fear, peace replaced worry, and joy replaced anxiety. New confidence and courage rose, not in myself, but in God’s goodness and what He could do through me.

Becky Harling, The Extraordinary Power of Praise (emphasis mine)

I’ve found her words to be true. Praise and worship recenter our focus on God’s character. It realigns our priorities, encourages our hearts, and reminds us of what is true.

6. Notice what the emotion communicates

Emotions are indicators. I like to think of them as a blinker on a car (or “turn signal” if you reject the use of “blinker”; my thesaurus tells me they are also called “trafficators” but I’m almost 100% sure a thesaurus writer made that one up out of sheer boredom on a Friday afternoon).

Back on topic. Emotions communicate information that we would be wise to observe.

When you’re feeling upset by criticism, ask, “what does this emotion tell me about myself?”

Perhaps your emotion is signaling that you really care about your job. Maybe it reveals your passion for justice. The emotion could also show that you’re placing emphasis on what people think of you.

Without judgment, we can see what our emotions are telling us and take those facts to God.

I found two things by paying attention to my emotions.

First, I recognized that I care deeply about the writing work I feel called to do. This encouraged me because I want to be the type of person to work with passion and care.

Secondly, I realized I wanted the approval and applause of people. I needed to check my motivations and make sure I was working “as for the Lord and not for men” (Colossians 3:23).

7. Make a plan for moving forward

Lastly, we ask God what he would have us do next. We have confidence knowing that he goes with us into whatever conversation or action that needs to follow.

Was there truth in the criticism? Now that we’ve replaced lies with truth, remembered our identity and worth, and declared our complete dependence on Jesus, we can apply the constructive parts of the criticism (if there were any) without letting discouragement settle in.

We don’t have to take action right away. We can continue to pray and seek God’s desire in the situation.

Maybe there is nothing for us to do or say other than align our thoughts with God’s. Or perhaps God would have you confront the source of discouragement with grace and truth.

I knew for a fact that my essay submission hadn’t been perfect. The editors’ comments contained a lot of truth. I didn’t want to face the critiques and write a second draft, but I also knew I could do it with God. All things are possible with him (Matthew 19:26).

Creating with God is the whole reason I write. He reminded me of his promise to be with me, and he gave me the courage to do what I didn’t want to do.

Done with dodging discouragement

My kids’ television show ended, and I had to continue with my day. I could do so with a lightness of heart and optimism about the work in front of me.

God proved himself faithful once again to listen, to guide, and to comfort. Discouragement didn’t get the final say.

That night when I lay down to go to sleep, I noticed something new. In the past whenever I avoided my emotions, they would surface at night when I closed my eyes. But after processing the discouragement with God, I lay down in peace.

This won’t be the last time I have to face discouragement, but now I know I don’t have to avoid or squelch it. I can walk through it with a posture of dependence on Jesus.

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If you’re like me and you’ve found that your solutions for coping with the hard things in life aren’t working, check out my guide to fighting for soul care, below. It will help you recognize less-than-helpful coping mechanisms you turn to and give you practical suggestions on how to turn to God instead. Click the link or image below to download the guide for free!

*Featured image by Ralph (Ravi) Kayden on Unsplash