Four Ways to Love Your Friend Through a Long Season of Suffering

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

John 16:33

Have you ever heard how to deliver bad news or criticism? You sandwich it in between two bits of good news or two compliments. When I read Jesus’s words in John 16, I think of a good news sandwich. 

Good news: You may have peace.
Not-so-good news: You will have trouble.
Great news: I have overcome the world.

Peace and victory—these are our treasures as God’s children. I linger over his words, turning them over in my head. But I can’t ignore the in-between statement. I will have trouble. I’ve already had trouble, so I know these words are true. And if they are true for you and me, they are also true for our friends.

Maybe in the past you’ve walked with a friend through a difficult season of life, and you learned strategies for loving her well along the way. 

Or maybe today you’re lacing up your boots and preparing to embark on a long, hard road for the sake and love of your friend.

If we sat in a room today and swapped stories, no two would sound the same. Losses, diagnoses, and heartbreaks come with their own unique journeys marked by the sign posts of pain, doubts, and joy.

But within the heart of each traveler, we find longings that look more similar than not. We long to suffer well, to persevere, to rejoice in the midst of hardship, and to see our loved ones free of all this world can lay on their shoulders.

What I desire is that we would be a people who press in and hold on tight when the storms of this world bear down on our loved ones.

We don’t need to have experienced the same trial as our friend in order to enter her world and offer up help. Let’s not back away from the wreckage but rather dive in head-on with trust in our heart that says, “God, I don’t know what I’m doing, but you do.”

"What I desire is that we would be a people who press in and hold on tight when the storms of this world bear down on our loved ones." Four Ways to Love Your Friend Through a Long Season of Suffering #longsuffering #persevere #friendship Click To Tweet

1. Pray for All Involved

If you’ve been around here for long, you’ll know we can’t skip over this step.

Love starts and ends with God. If we hope to love our friend who is enduring a long season of suffering, we must spend time lifting her up to our Father. We pray not only for the friend, but for any and all who are wrapped up in the trial—family members, caregivers, co-workers, and church family.

Here are examples of how or what to pray for your friend and those involved:

For the one who is separated by distance and feels helpless, we pray for peace, that she would rest in the knowledge of your sovereignty and watchfulness.

For the one who must die to herself daily to serve the one in need, we pray that her cup would be filled to overflowing with your care and provision.

For the one whose day-to-day tasks and routines are changed beyond recognition, whose days of endurance add up to a life that doesn’t look as she hoped, we pray she sees your hand at work and trusts she is never forgotten or forsaken.

For the one grieved by the trouble this world has brought upon her, we pray her actions and words will pour forth from a heart that understands her pain is not wasted in your kingdom and that you love her with a love that mountains and seas could not contain. 

2. Do Not Shy Away From Honesty

Have you noticed how we often try to prompt others with the answers we want to hear?

“How are you doing today? Well?”

“Are you enjoying your time?”

“Did your family have a great weekend?”

We all do it, myself included. When we include happy, positive words in our questions, we’re signaling our conversation partner with the type of response we expect to receive.

It’s hard enough to give an honest answer to the simple question, “How are you?” without believing your friend doesn’t have the time, patience, or stomach to hear the truth.

Instead, when you see your friend, stop, look her in the eye and ask, “How are you doing? Really?”

Let her see you don’t need her to be sunshine and rainbows all day, every day.

But also, respect her decision if she doesn’t open up, despite your sincere inquiries. Her story and troubles are hers to share. She wants to sometimes think and speak about other topics rather than always dwelling on her long season of suffering.

And that brings us to number three.

3. She is Not Her Suffering

Opposite to the instinct of brushing past the topic of her suffering and stamping everything with a smiley-face emoji is the habit of bringing up _____ [insert struggle here] every time you see her. Raising the topic frequently, although well-intentioned, may make her feel as though the sum of her parts is her struggle.

The true friend sees her complexity—her desire to laugh, to be “normal,” to run away—and reminds her that she has much to offer the world. Her trial may change her contribution, but it does not erase her purpose.

We show our friend we know her and see all the facets of her personality and being by inviting her to join an outing, to come into our homes, or to spend an afternoon on a hobby she loves.

Help your friend remember her worth by inspiring her to fight for her own soul care, by reminding her of the joy and gratitude she can find in the midst of struggle, and by encouraging her to seek the Lord whole-heartedly in his word and in prayer.

She is still your friend, even under all the layers of hurt. Your role may be to help remind her of who she is and Whose she is.

4. Establish Boundaries and Encourage Her to Do the Same

While the first three points speak to pouring out yourself for the sake of your suffering friend, I also want to encourage you to protect yourself from burdens you can’t carry.

God is the only one who can heal and bring restoration. While you can fortify her by bringing words of love and truth to her feet, do not fall into the trap of believing the outcome rests on you.

Encourage her to find a professional counselor or pastor who can offer a listening ear and solid solutions while remaining objective. And you may also want to consult someone to understand how to best serve your friend while avoiding unhealthy patterns.

Maybe you need to have a conversation with her to identify where she is gleaning her hope. Is it from you? Or from the Lord? If we are seeking her best, we will gently show her that her truest, best help comes from God and his wisdom.

If You’re Looking for More

Wether you’re the one enduring a long season of suffering or you’re helping your friend on that journey, here are some additional recommended resources:

Articles

How Friends Help in Suffering and Difficulty by Lisa Appelo

How to Help Friends in the Midst of Suffering by Jamie Ivey

Surviving Our Seasons of Suffering by Lysa TerKeurst

Books*

The Problem of Pain by C.S. Lewis

Holding On to Hope: A Pathway through Suffering to the Heart of God by Nancy Guthrie

I Wasn’t Ready to Say Goodbye: Surviving, Coping and Healing After the Sudden Death of a Loved One by Brook Noel

Choose Joy: Finding Hope and Purpose When Life Hurts by Sara Frankl

*These are Amazon affiliate links. If you make a purchase through these links, you are supporting my work at no extra cost to you—thanks! 

Before You Go

If you love friendship talk because you know those relationships are essential to living life as God intended, you’ll love my monthly newsletter, The Edit, where we talk about cutting out the nonessentials to focus on what matters most. Be sure to sign up below and receive my Journaling Toolkit—for free!