5 Communication Guidelines for a Healthy Marriage

Communication is the bedrock of relationships. Effective communication leads to intimacy and contentment in the relationship. On the other hand, poor communication sets the stage for misunderstandings and gives an opportunity for wedges to form between two people.

The Newlywed Stage

When I married Josh at the age of 24, I felt pretty good about my communication skills. I’ve always enjoyed engaging people in conversation and digging deep into discussions about feelings and perspectives. 

The magnifying glass of marriage quickly revealed my weak spots. I tended to shut down in the face of conflict, preferring to ignore the problem rather than work through it. I also (wrongly) interpreted many circumstantial disagreements as deep, personal attacks on my character and value as a person.

During college, my pastor described marriage this way: it’s like putting two porcupines together in a small box. I love the analogy because it makes me laugh but also because it’s spot-on. As newlyweds, my husband and I tried to get along and show kindness to one another as best we could, but we inevitably pricked and wounded one another. Our sinful natures acted as the quills, and despite our best efforts to control them, pain was part of our growth process in early marriage.

A pastor once said marriage is like putting two porcupines together in a small box. As much as they may love each other, someone still ends up with a quill in the eye. Click To Tweet

My husband used to say, “It’s not marriage that’s hard. It’s life that’s hard.” In other words, if that box were a little bigger and gave those porcupines some more breathing room, there would be less pain, accidental or otherwise. I’ve found truth in his statement. If we never had stress, sickness, or loss, life would be an easier path to navigate as a married couple. 

Within two months of marrying, I was moving to a new state far from family and friends, we were both starting new, stressful jobs, and we experienced the passing of my father-in-law. To say we had a rocky start is an understatement.

Establishing communication guidelines helped our relationship flourish even when the stress of life tried to knock us off course. 

Putting Guidelines in Place

The early months of marriage revealed a need for some ground rules in our communication, and that bedrock of communication has served as a reliable pillar of our marriage, which I’m thankful to say is a loving one.

Here are the five guidelines that helped improve our communication, especially during conflict. It’s important to discuss these concepts with your spouse in a time of peace, not in the heat of the moment so that you can both get on board with the ideas and discuss them calmly. That way, the next time a disagreement springs up, you’ll both be equipped with tools to navigate the conversation.

1. Give yourselves a common goal.

My husband introduced this idea to me. We can view conflict as a positive interaction if we’re both ultimately fighting for our closeness and the betterment of our relationship.

We know that in conflict the thing we’re arguing about is usually not the thing we’re arguing about. It may start out as a conversation about chores, money, or time management, but it can take a turn and become a conversation about something bigger—revealing core beliefs and fears. When this happens, one of us will usually take time out to remind the other that our goal is to grow together in Christ. It takes the focus off the “me, me, me” ideas and reminds us that we’re working toward the same goal. We can then begin to problem-solve together, rather than each of us fighting to “win.” If winning comes at the cost of closeness, love, and affection for one another, then it really isn’t a win at all.

Let all that you do be done in love.

1 Corinthians 16:14

2. Never say never (or always).

How many times have you been in an argument and said something like “but you never remember to do this…” or “you always say…”? As the accuser, it may feel good to offer this water-tight evidence of the other person’s wrongdoing, but if your goal is resolution, then I’ll just tell you plainly these words are never helpful. Haha! I couldn’t resist. But in all seriousness, as soon as a “never” gets introduced in the conversation, the other person immediately begins calling to mind those times when they did the thing they’re being accused of never doing. Even if it’s true that there is not a single, solitary time when this thing has happened, introducing the word “never” takes focus off the situation at hand and places it on past events. Deal with the issue at hand, and when it’s resolved and forgiven, there’s no need to remind your spouse of it again in a later argument. 

[Love] keeps no record of wrongs.

1 Corinthians 13:5

3. Don’t let the sun go down on your anger.

So often intense conversations start around 10 pm. Why is that? It’s hard to have a loving conversation about a loaded topic when you’re both tired. When possible, Josh and I try to resolve an issue, extend forgiveness when needed and end the day feeling connected. Sometimes, however, we need more time. When this happens, we go back to #1 and remind each other that we have the same goal and commit to revisiting the issue the next day. If we’re not careful to resolve the issue quickly, life’s busyness will bury the issue. A buried, unresolved issue is like a seed that can grow up into an attitude of unforgiveness and resentment.

Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger.

Ephesians 4:26

4. Agree to keep the teasing jokes between the two of you.

Josh and I are super silly and poke fun at each other when we’re by ourselves, but Josh recommended we follow a guideline that his parents were careful to observe: don’t joke about the other person in public. Why? Well, there are lots of ways it can go wrong. A funny story about the other spouse may seem lighthearted to you, but it may cause embarrassment or pain when put on display for others.

One of my high school English teachers told her class that in every joke there is a grain of truth. When you say something derogatory about someone and follow it with “I’m just joking!” well, the truth of how you feel about the person is observable by others. Even if your spouse doesn’t tell you it bothered him, we want to be careful to build up and not tear down.

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

Ephesians 4:29

5. Remember that feelings aren’t wrong.

Oh, how many conversations have I had with Josh where we tell each other that something made us sad or upset, and the other person responds with, “I didn’t mean to do that!” Regardless of intentions, we can’t tell a person to not feel the way they feel or that their feelings are wrong. Even if you had no intention of upsetting your spouse, when it happens, slow down and patiently seek out the root of his emotion.

Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.

1 Thessalonians 5:11

If You’re Looking for More

Lastly, but also most importantly, pray for your spouse and pray for your marriage. Pray that you would be united in a spirit of love.

Whether you’re married or not, these guidelines can also apply to your relationships with friends, parents, and family. I do hope they help you as they have helped us.

If you’re looking for more resources on marriage and communication, check out the links below:

1. A devotional on conflict and communication from Focus on the Family
2. A three-minute interview with Francis Chan on “How to Argue With Your Spouse”
3. A podcast episode with Audrey Roloff, co-founder of Beating 50 Percent, a ministry focused on reviving covenant marriages.

I’d love to hear how you’ve learned to use communication to maintain healthy relationships. Let me know by leaving a comment below!

Photo credit goes to John Shim Photography

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