Knowing Your Processing Style and Why It Matters

We all hear about arguments between couples that start with a simple or even ridiculous squabble. I remember thinking, “Are we really arguing right now about bedskirts?” Driving home from work, I was talking on the phone to my fiancé. I have no idea how we went from home decor to emotional overload in two minutes.

I don’t remember the details of who said what, but I do remember we managed to end the discussion peacefully. Two days later, I reopened the topic again with, “You know, I’ve been thinking about that bed skirt thing.”

This was one of many clues my now-husband picked up on to conclude what I already knew about myself. I’m an internal processor. I needed those two days to think about the issue, sort out my feelings, and come to a conclusion.

Types of Processors

An internal processor is someone who reaches conclusions and decisions by retreating inward to their thoughts. They have discomfort presenting half-baked thoughts. They need time and space to understand their ideas and emotions surrounding a topic.

An external processor needs to verbalize their ideas and hear them spoken aloud in order to best process their thoughts. Information comes out in bits and pieces as they wrestle with a problem. In this way they navigate the decision-making process before coming to a resolution.

Why It Matters to Your Relationships

Neither type is better than the other. Knowing your processing style and the styles of the people around you sets better expectations for communication and conflict management. Looking at this difference through a biblical lens, I think of Paul’s words:

If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.
Romans 12:18

We’re all wired differently—extroverted or introverted, spontaneous or thriving on structure, thinker or feeler—and to know those differences helps us understand one another and work together to live peaceably in unity.

Knowing our processing styles sets better expectations for communication and conflict management. Looking at it through a biblical lens, I think of Paul’s words: "If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all." Click To Tweet

As a 24 year-old newlywed, I didn’t know my way was different from my husband’s way. If I had, I would’ve asked for space and time when I felt overloaded by information or emotion. I would’ve also known the importance of letting my husband, an external processor, know my needs so he could table the discussion with full assurance of our intent to revisit the topic after a break.

Knowing the tendencies of your coworkers, friends, and family helps us understand not everyone sees the world as we do. It reminds the external processors to grant patience and grace to those who turn inward. Internal processors are reminded even though we may need time to think, we can still give assurances that we care and are listening despite our potential lack of immediate insight.

Tools for the Types

External processors may feel tethered to an available listening ear to sort out their thoughts. Finding ways to process alone will prove beneficial when you’re awake at midnight while the rest of the household sleeps. Or when you’re new to a friend group and not ready to share vulnerable details. Or even just by yourself on a long car ride.

Writing is one way to sort out your thoughts and forces the spaghetti streams of consciousness into a logical format. You can also speak prayers aloud or talk into your phone’s voice memo app. You can use any format that allows you to get your thoughts and feelings into an external medium.

External processors need to release their ideas to make sense of them. In a conversation, you may want to make clear to the other person that you are processing. Tell him or her that you’re thinking your way through a problem. Then later, indicate plainly when you’ve finished processing and reached a conclusion. More than once, I’ve thought Josh was offering me an idea he fully believed in. I treated it that way only to find out later he was testing out ideas as he navigated a problem.

On the other hand, asking an internal processor to produce ideas on the spot can be an easy way to induce panic.

Before releasing their ideas, they need to play with them, consider them from many different angles, and come to a conclusion without the intrusion of outside sources.

My best thinking and processing comes in times when I’m unaware of it. Most of my writing ideas come to me while brushing my teeth or washing my face before bed. My mind is free to sort the pieces without pressure of producing an answer to a waiting friend or group.

Internal processors will benefit from times of silence—doing the dishes or taking a walk—to let the subconscious do its thing and make sense of what it has taken in.

A Word of Warning

As with many things in life, the extent to which each of us processes externally or internally falls on a sliding scale. Rather than two separate camps with neat and tidy labels and a gaping void in between, most of us will find ourselves somewhere in the middle.

Living with an external processor taught me to adapt and process a little more like him than I did ten years ago. It also taught me the value of seeking outsider input in the midst of my decision-making rather than waiting until the end and realizing I’d left stones unturned.

Lies Exchanged for Truth

Both types can fall into a trap of believing lies about themselves.

As an internal processor, I’ve been critical of my inability to keep pace with external processors in a fast-moving conversation or debate.

My style has also led me to believe I’m not an opinionated person. Upon further inspection, I’ve found the complete opposite is true. I have opinions in abundance. Just because I arrived at them over days or months, a bit at a time, doesn’t mean they aren’t valid.

If you are an internal processor, the world needs your close consideration and marinated thoughts. Like stones in a rock polisher, the thoughts tumble around in our minds, unseen, and then emerge as beautiful gems.

External processors are prone to believing they are “too much.” Thinking about their words post-conversation, they become self-conscious about their tendency to reveal too much information or dominate a discussion. Especially if they are talking to an internal processor, the blank look on their friend’s face fuels the fire of self-doubt and potential embarrassment.

Friend, the world needs you too. Your inclination to quickly and openly name your emotions, questions, and thoughts can bring immense validation and relief to those around you. Your external processing can also help your internal processor friends figure out their own thoughts (as long as you don’t require a conclusion from them too soon).

These differences among individuals serve to bring balance to the group. Within the Church, we certainly need every type of processor across the spectrum to thoughtfully contemplate and vocally explore ideas.